You Can’t Criticize a Feeling, and That’s Bad
I graduated from Oberlin College in 2008. As liberal arts colleges go, Oberlin is considered very liberal and very wealthy. As a kid raised in a poor, middle-of-nowhere Ohio town, Oberlin was like living on the moon.
Although I was inundated with the language of liberal arts studies [1], I didn’t notice how much it had reduced my ability to communicate until a little more than a year after I had graduated. At a meal with my best friends from college, we took turns indulging in nostalgia and particularly in the rhetoric that demarcated that part of my life from the others. My friend Trina did a rousing impression of a girl in a gender and women’s studies class that had been particularly memorable:
“I feel like … you know … like women are these targets for societal redefinition and symbolism, it’s like men see us as somehow being, like, these representations and symbols of a quasi paternalistic rebellion.”
Having heard hundreds of such wishy-washy statements [2], what struck me the most was the first three words: “I feel like.” I hadn’t noticed, but Oberlin had trained me to replace “think” with the phrase “feel like” in my speech patterns. So instead of saying “I think HTML5 is going to replace Flash,” I now say “I feel like HTML5 is going to replace Flash.”
This is not a harmless alteration. As Trina pointed out, the reason people use that pattern of speech is to make ourselves immune to criticism. As Trina succinctly put it: “it’s not socially acceptable to criticize a feeling.” Since having that discussion, I’ve noticed this pattern of speech everywhere. I hear it most in situations where the speaker is unwilling to stand behind what they have said.
I don’t want to sound insensitive here, it’s no wonder that people would want to avoid being criticized, especially about tentative beliefs. During a discussion group, for instance, you may say something that only just came to you, and especially for a shy person, being criticized for such a statement could feel overly harsh.
I think, however, that it is an insidious and evasive speech pattern that reduces the opportunity for legitimate disagreement and constructive criticism. Disagreement shouldn’t be avoided, it should be sought, because it is only through disagreement and iteration that success can be obtained. I’m not just speaking about literature discussion groups [3]; any difficult and long term endeavor requires frequent and honest criticism to reach a successful conclusion.
It’s not novel to criticize the negative impact of college educations on student writing ability, but this seems like a particularly bad habit that is easy to fix. Trina was right: you can’t criticize a feeling, and couching statements and arguments as feelings is bad for everyone.
[1] Before switching to Economics in sophomore year, I was a film major and read stuff like this all the time: “Bergman’s entire film is, then, concerned with transcendence, with a transcendence of languages and of the grammar of film, of the traditional perception of the film spectator as passive recipient, of the medium conventional reliance on narrative as its formative principle, and of the historical Western concept of art as wholeness and order.”
[2] I think the cout de grais in proving how wishy washy liberal arts academic writing is comes from the Sokal affair.
[3] The idea of a “success” in a literature discussion group is slippery, but I am referring here to my startup, which would not have succeeded if not for the criticisms that hundreds of people (myself included) leveled at our idea and implementation.
Why You Shouldn’t Follow Your Dreams
Back when I was in 9th grade, I purchased my first desktop computer. I did extra chores, mowed lawns, and shoveled snow to afford my dream machine. It came tricked out with a 900Mhz AMD Athlon Thunderbird CPU, 128MB of RAM, a GeForce 2 GPU, and a Plexdor CD burner. Housed in a bleak grey metal box, it was my pride and joy. Countless hours of Counter Strike, Total Annihilation, and Starcraft were played on that computer.
Despite my fond memories of that first computer, it was never the perfect performance machine. I had made many compromises to meet my meager budget, and the hardware was out of date less than 60 days after it arrived. So around that time, I vowed that someday I would buy myself the most ridiculous performance-intensive machine that could be had.
Fast forward quite a few years and I finally have the cash to buy that no-holds-barred gaming machine. But desktop computers are no longer terribly practical. And I don’t play Counter Strike in the evenings anymore. And my middling laptop runs the Adobe Creative Suite just fine. In fact, I spend most of my time in front of productivity and office applications at my startup, and in the evenings, I try to spend time away from the computer for the sake of variety. I have the cash, but I longer want that beast computer, and it’s sad. When I explained my disappointment to a friend over lunch, he shrugged and said, “of course you wanted that computer, but dreams expire.”
He was right. Since making my vow to buy an uber gaming machine, the dream had lost meaning for me, and like a mesofact, I had not updated my list of dreams.
This caused me to not only go through that list, but to re-evaluate how I pursue and value dreams. I have kept a bucket list for several years, but I here propose a short list of reasons why you shouldn’t have one. In short, maybe you shouldn’t follow your dreams.
1) Destinations are boring.
As a society, we praise big dreams and tell kids to aspire to be astronauts. But as a society, we focus our dreams on destinations, not on the journeys that make them meaningful. I fell prey to this exact problem when we were founding our startup. I wanted to build a successful startup. For three years, we worked hard, we got some lucky breaks, and now Skritter is successful. I have become an astronaut. And you know what? It’s an empty victory, because as it turns out, what I really want is not to have a successful startup. What I want is to work hard on difficult problems with people I like. Notice the difference there: the first dream is a state, “success,” the second dream is a process “work hard.”
For all the glib discussion of life being a journey, not a destination, we overlook that fact when forming our deepest and most personal goals. Maybe you want to be a famous rapper, a skydiving instructor, or a race car driver. All of these are noble ambitions, but thinking about those dreams in terms of continuing actions rather than destinations makes them more meaningful. You don’t want to be a rapper, you want to spend most of your time rapping in a studio. You don’t want to be a skydiving instructor, you want to teach newbies how to enjoy their first jump. You don’t want to be a race car driver, you want to drive fast cars on a racetrack.
Destinations are boring, and dreams that rely on them are hollow.
2) The exotic is kinda meh.
You know what sounds cool? Getting out of a Cleveland winter and working from Costa Rica for 2.5 months. The problem is that if you value a degree of consistency, recurring familial interaction, predictable diets, stable electricity and internet, reliable transportation, and a hundred other factors you probably take for granted, then it’s actually not that cool. That was the story of my 2 months in Costa Rica.
Yet despite the disconnect, whenever I tell people about going to Costa Rica, most people said “I wish I could do that.”
Daily life constrains choice sets to the degree that most people can’t up and move to Costa Rica for 2.5 months. And for most people, that’s a good thing. Dreams often take the form of overcoming the inertial forces that keep us grounded to the status quo. But it is precisely these forces that often make us happy. So in effect, many dreams are predicated on circumstances that by their very nature would make us unhappy.
3) Dreams made in a vacuum are meaningless.
I drive an extremely economical car and I’ve always dreamed of having a performance sports car. Recently I got the chance to test drive some exceptionally cool sports cars, and coming back to my little Suzuki Aerio was a relief. Why, you might ask, would I prefer my 1600cc putsy hatchback to a Mercedes Benz E55? I won’t go into details, but in forming my dream about owning a sports car, I ignored all of my previous preferences. A Porsche looked cool, but in my daily life I prefer gas economy, reliability, and low insurance bills.
Dreamers are encouraged to think big, and that often implies “outside of our experience.” This gets back to something Paul Graham suggests about finding what you love to do: if you aren’t tinkering with computers in your free time, do you really want to be a programmer? If you didn’t sacrifice to buy a sports car when you were 17, are you really invested in performance automobiles?
We often classify our unqualified aspirations as “dreams” and then foolishly work towards them. Daily experience is often a far better judge of what you will enjoy than a groundless idea of what you want inherited by a larger society or peer group.
Summary
All of this might lead you to conclude that I think dreams are meaningless, but that’s not the case. I think dreams are extremely important, but they often grossly misrepresent what people actually want from their life experience. I am still struggling to find a good way to pursue my own dreams and would be interested to hear if anyone else has had luck better forming and achieving meaningful dreams.








